If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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