i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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