as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
