so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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