Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
