the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
