sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
