she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
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Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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