he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
