Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
