Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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