I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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