I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
