At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
