last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Your penis caused this!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
