She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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