There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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