I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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