I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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