billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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