Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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