I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
