he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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