Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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