Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
