I got chris browned last night
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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