I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
