I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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