I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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