Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
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