i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
