The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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