someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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