did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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