Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
