Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
