I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
