Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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