If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
