I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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