nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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