are you still at the devil's house?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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