so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
