1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
