Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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