oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
