I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
