the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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