Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
