drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
