He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
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we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
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Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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