I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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