We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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