I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
