If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
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What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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