wanna go halves on a baby?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
