you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I didn't notice because vodka
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
