Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
